Dating in the U.S. : Why the Match Gap for Many Men Is the Industry’s Biggest Unspoken Problem

In today’s digital world, the dating app has become the primary way people meet. But for many men, it’s not just disappointing — it’s devastating. According to the Pew Research Center, over 60% of single men under 30 report being alone not by choice, but due to low engagement and match rates on dating sites and apps. And while some believe this is due to male users having unrealistic expectations, the truth is more complex.

This “match gap” isn’t just a user issue. It reflects deeper design flaws in how every online dating platform is built — and why it’s failing the majority of its users.

1. Dating in the U.S. Is Broken by Design

Dating in the U.S. has evolved quickly. What used to be organic, in-person meet-cutes are now algorithm-driven encounters. As of 2022, nearly 30% of U.S. adults have used dating sites or apps, with platforms like Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, eharmony, and Hinge leading the charge.

However, dating is more common among younger generations. In fact, among adults under 30, over 50% have tried using a dating app — a number that drops significantly for users 50 and older and almost disappears among Americans ages 65 and up.

Here’s the issue: These platforms are optimized not for meaningful connection, but for time spent swiping. As a result, a small number of “top-tier” users get most of the attention, while the rest — primarily many men — are left out.

2. The Swipe Trap: Gamified Love and Unrealistic Expectations

The hallmark of every dating app is the swipe. Swipe left if you’re not interested, right if you are. Sounds simple, right? But this gamification has serious consequences.

Women receive an overwhelming number of messages, often unrelated to their profile or interests. In fact, women say they often felt overwhelmed by the number of low-quality or aggressive messages — especially women under 50. Meanwhile, men say they face silence. Many experience a deep lack of messages, leading them to feel rejected or invisible.

Among current or recent online users, this imbalance has led to a crisis of confidence. Men to say online dating has hurt their self-esteem, while women say it often leaves them anxious or frustrated.

These emotional shifts are worsened by the design of the online dating platform, which values profile clicks and time spent using a dating app over forming compatible matches.

3. The Algorithm is the Real Problem — Not the Users

Despite what some think, this isn’t just about pickiness or unrealistic standards. It’s about the computer programs behind every dating site or app. These algorithms are tuned to prioritize “engagement,” not connection. That means showing you profiles that are more likely to make you stay on the app — not necessarily people you’re likely to feel compatible with.

As a result, the most conventionally attractive users rise to the top. And yes, that’s often based on looks.

Men without highly curated profiles — or who don’t conform to narrow beauty standards — are simply buried in the system. They’re statistically less likely to use Match than Tinder, despite being five times more likely to be looking for a serious connection. Older users and those seeking a committed romantic relationship are similarly deprioritized.

These flawed systems cause frustration for both men and women. It also raises the question: If companies should require background checks to improve safety, should they also be held accountable for designing algorithms that mislead users?

4. The Emotional Cost of the Match Gap

The effects of the match gap are not just statistical — they’re emotional.

Many men felt insecure or even depressed after repeated failure to match. Some withdraw from dating entirely. Others become bitter, claiming women are too picky or that the “algorithm is rigged.” This frustration sometimes escalates into hostility — especially among men of any age who feel unfairly excluded.

Meanwhile, women often receive unsolicited sexually explicit messages, aggressive follow-ups from people they rejected, or are left feeling like trophies rather than people. Women say they have experienced users trying to contact them after they said they weren’t interested — a behavior less common among women themselves.

Whether it’s the lack of messages for men or the flood of unwanted attention for women, dating on these platforms is emotionally taxing.

5. Bisexual and LGBTQ+ Daters Are Also Affected — Differently

Bisexual and LGBTQ+ users face a unique set of issues. Many report being fetishized or misunderstood. Others say they receive very few meaningful matches — or are only matched with users curious about their identity rather than genuinely interested.

Because most online dating platform algorithms are designed with heterosexual norms in mind, these users are often marginalized. This leads to more somewhat negative experiences for LGBTQ+ users — even on platforms where eharmony and Hinge claim to be inclusive.

In these cases, being matched with a significant other through a dating platform feels more like winning a lottery than a predictable outcome.

6. The Industry’s Role: Platforms Must Do Better

The Pew Research Center has shown that nearly half of older people believe online dating has made the search for love harder — and they’re not wrong.

Despite being built around the promise of love, the online dating platform industry has done little to course-correct. Platforms could:

• Offer feedback on toxic patterns (e.g., sending 50 messages without reading profiles)
• Encourage users to reflect on what they value besides physical attraction
• Introduce intentional “friction” to slow down swipe culture
• Promote users seeking a long-term partner or spouse and committed romantic relationships

But change is slow. Many platforms rely on repeat users — not success stories. That’s why so few people actually met their current significant other through a dating site or app.

7. What You Can Do as a User — Male or Female

If you’re a man who feels stuck, start by understanding that this isn’t entirely your fault — but it is your responsibility to adapt.

Try the following:

• Improve your profile: Authenticity wins. Avoid bravado or filters.
• Be respectful and real in messages: This applies to both genders.
• Widen your filters: Instead of checking every box, ask if someone has the potential for a committed romantic relationship.
• Switch apps: Some men find they are likely to use Match or OkCupid for more serious dating. Others use platforms like Bumble, where women initiate the conversation.

If you’re a woman, be aware of the emotional toll many men experience. Still, your safety and comfort come first. If someone sends you a sexually explicit message or continues to contact you after you said no, report them. You deserve better.

Finally, to all users: Understand that people have the right amount of matches — when those matches are meaningful. That’s what leads people to eventually fall in love.

Conclusion: It’s Time to Rebuild Dating Apps for Everyone

We’re at a critical point. The digital world has redefined how we use dating tools, but the core needs haven’t changed: connection, respect, and compatibility.

The match gap for many men is not just a personal crisis — it’s an industry-wide red flag. Platforms must redesign their systems to encourage compatible matches, foster better experiences, and create safer environments for all daters.

Until then, we can each do our part — by being more human in a world of computer programs, and by choosing connection over the dopamine hit of a swipe.